A Brief History of REALITY

The Partridge Family Geneology:

In the beginning there was nothing but a blue and yellow Cosmic Egg.
The egg cracked open to reveal Shirley's animal form, the Partridge.

She then gave a virgin birth to Keith. This is why there was no need for a father on the show.

Although she and Keith engaged in various acts, none would be considered sexual relations by President Bill Clinton, and therefore Shirley technically kept her Virgin Mother status when she gave birth to her second child, Laurie.

Then a terrible transgression transpired: Shirley had a threesome with Reuben Kinkaid and Simone the Dog. This too was not technically sexually relations because this sex act was commited on the astral plane in which only the souls fornicate with each other. This is what Maynard calls "Mind Sex." Out of this unholy union with a Superhuman, a human, and a sub-human, came forth Danny Partridge, the God of Mischief. Have you ever wondered why Danny looks a little different than the rest of the Partridge Clan. Well now you know!

A second Transgression occurred: This one worse than the first:
Danny devirginized his own mother!

This act of reverse molestation begat the first Chris.
The first Chris was a hideous monster. At first glance he appeared to be a cute little kid, but on closer examination you could tell that something was horribly wrong.
Shirley knew what she had to do. She ate him.

Shirley then gave a virgin birth to the second cuter chris who could actually play drums.
Then Keith and Laurie engaged in holy sacred incest and begot Tracy.

The Partridges Meet us Halfway:

On September 25, 1970 the Partridges saw that the world had become an un-groovy place and decided to rectify the situation.

They realized that they must use the most powerful forms of communication possible: a hit T.V. show, a psychedelically painted bus, and far out groovy music.

The Gods chose their human incarnations carefully:

Shirley chose Shirley Jones. They are both named Shirley. Coincidence maybe but I doubt. Keith chose David Cassidy because he saw that Keith had an extremly large phallus. (for more info on the volume--as opposed to length or width-- of Cassidy's lingum, see his autobiography: Come on Get Happy: Fear and Loathing on the Partridge Family Bus) and so on and so on.

They had been preparing for this moment on which they revealed themselves to the masses. They gave birth to the writers and the producers of the shows and songs and gave them the power to create the show on which to reveal the Truth to the unenlightened.

At first the people accepted the beauty of the Partridges. "I Think I Love You" became the biggest selling song of 1970 even beating out the Beatles' "Let it Be." The Beatles may have been more popular than Jesus Christ, but the Partridges were more popular than the Beatles! The show was a hit. People were buying Partridge lunch boxes, love beads, and dating tip guides. The people were enlightened. All was groovy in TV Land.

But then a horrible thing happened: The show was placed opposite "All in the Family," and the non-believing people of America started watching this new show. It was the beginning of the end.

Bobby Sherman has a theory about what happened in his new autobiography "Bobby Sherman: Still Remembering You." His theory is that while many of the adults were watching "All in the Family" the kids were still watching "The Partridge Family" and "Getting Together" (his show that was spun-off from the Partirdge Family). The problem was that the Nielson boxes were hooked up to the color t.v. sets of the adults.
The Cancellation occurred on August 25, 1974. An official day of mourning.

The Resurrection:

On July 4th, 1988 the Partridge King (aka Rev. Danny Partridge aka Placenta Rising! Partridge aka Albuquerque Now Partridge etc.) and the Partridge in the Pear Tree (aka Shaun Partridge aka Albuquerque, etc.) were listening to a tape of the Partridge Family that the great Adam Sleek had given them. One side of the tape contained Shopping Bag, the other side contained Notebook. As they started to realize that Keith Partridge was singing directly to them about how he wanted to be their Friend and their Lover but mostly their God, their car suddenly slid off the road off of a cliff. As they were suspended in mid-air a huge human face appeared covered with a feathered hair do. When the do was brushed aside, it revealed Keith. He put their car back on the earth, and told them to tell everybody that he was a god and that the Truth could be found in the music.

For weeks Shaun and Dan spread the word, but then they began to think that it was all a facsimile. They began to doubt what would have had to been their simultaneous hallucination. They thought it was all a horrible joke.

But then two more miracles occurred at the exact same time: Dan was driving his car, and he got in another car accident. He was drowning in a pool of his own blood. He was unconscious but his spirit was floating above the scene and he could see everything: Laurie was administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. She then slipped him the tongue. At this moment his spirit flew back into his body and he became conscious. Laurie then administered her harlotic ways on her new devotee. While all of this was going on, Shaun was walking around when a UFO picked him up. He can't recall what exactly happened in the UFO, but when he awoke, he found himself stranded in the desert for seven days and seven nights. Just when he was about to perish from thirst, Shirley appeared to him and let him drink the nourishing milk from her breasts. She then transported him back to Denver, Colorado. When Dan and Shaun compared miracle stories, they knew the Truth and never doubted it ever since.

To read more about the accomplishments of the Temple go to The PFT's Media Exploits